Yesterday I loved my job again. I don't know exactly what caused the change, but I truly enjoyed being in the classroom and interacting with my kids. All of the challenging characters were there, but somehow, their behavior didn't faze me. Well, there was the part of the morning where R. started touching himself in class, asking my classroom aide: "Do you know what I'm doing?" and then refusing to go wash his hands when she asked him to. That was different, but the class just chugged along.

I finally got observed by my principal- after the observation had been postponed 2 times- and got a good review. It's always nerve-wracking for me to have someone come to watch me and take notes on my performance, even though it happens every year. So, I was relieved to have it over with and to be able to add the observation notes to my Level II credential portfolio.

Also, I realized that last Friday had tainted my week. I was alarmed at N's behavior and was worried about him coming back to the classroom. I was angry that I had not been included in the process of creating his behavior plan, but I have to say, that I am now receiving a lot of support and that it has taken a lot of stress off of me. I set up a quiet area for him in the classroom and there is a staff member in charge of coming to my classroom if there is a need, for each hour of the day. This proved helpful yesterday when N. started to throw a tantrum and started angrily flailing around. I called the office and someone came in to help him calm down and rejoin the group. All this happened while I continued to teach and it felt wonderfully in control.

Since my kids have been having a lot of trouble with transitions, I have started going back to a very, very structured way of doing everything in transitions and insisting that they do it correctly and follow directions. After recess, when there had been fights and ugly verbal exchanges, I sat them down and discussed ways to problem-solve the issues that they were having. Although I know that I will have to continue to go through this over and over, I could sense the tension easing in my students, after these issues had been addressed. I haven't been doing conflict resolution in any organized way in my class, but I want to start with community meetings. I will have to research this...

By the last hour of the day on Friday, I had 3 students in the classroom (the rest were in the 3rd grade choir practice). We pulled out the watercolors and they sat, dipping brushes in water and mixing colors around... serene.

when the people you work with make you want to scream.... in pain and frustration

Should I be offended that my principal canceled her observation of my classroom at the last minute after I reminded her that she was supposed to have been coming to observe, so that she could instead oversee our students voting in their student body elections? I mean, our VP was already all over that job with parent volunteers and other teachers, so can I help it if I feel a tad disrespected when she so nonchalantly asks if we can just "do it another time"? Nevermind that I had spent a lot of time preparing this lesson... I would just have to put it aside for a time when she would be ready to come view it and find a fall-back plan for that morning.

Our principal values very surface things over substance in our school (our bulletin boards should look just so, but we have no school-wide behavior plan), so I can imagine that she wanted to assist in this event solely because of the surface or "cute" aspects of it: the "secret" ballots, the cute stickers students got at the end for having voted- "I voted today!"... I,on the other hand am merely someone who is working hard for her school and can be easily dismissed as non-important in confront to this critical student election. It's great to feel so valued and respected in my job. Perhaps this is why this school has about 50% turnover rate of staff each year and it looks like I'll be taking the plunge for calmer waters as well.

Should it also not bother me that I was not invited to a meeting to create a behavior plan for N, one of my students with critical behavior needs? I knew that the meeting was supposed to happen today and called the office several times to ask if it was happening and if it had started. No one called to let me know and instead, I was just told what had been decided at the end of the day. Top. Down. We say, you do. You would think that the person who interacts with the student for the majority of the day would be an important person to have at this meeting. Perhaps this person could give valuable feedback and insight into the student's behavior and perhaps an the "team" could have gotten an idea of whether or not the plan would be workable in this person's classroom. Perhaps the "team" could have also been able to hear and problem-solve concerns about this students' violent behaviors towards this certain person who happens to be his teacher. Apparently the administration is content to just tell me what to do instead. I guess it is easier for them that way.

I am starting to dread going to work and to hate my work environment. If things continue at this pace, I honestly don't think that I will make it through the year.

why I'm going home for Thanksgiving

I finally wrote my principal, the school psychologist, and my special ed content specialist to outline just how extreme N's behavior has become and how negatively it is impacting my class. Everyday, he has a breakdown and each day, his breakdowns get progressively worse and more violent.

Last Friday (unbeknownst to me) he hit one of our PE teachers during recess. As a consequence, he was asked to sit out, while the rest of the class played cooperative games with this teacher during our PE time, which came right after recess. I had no idea that this had happened, but I saw N. getting very angry and acting very defiantly towards the coach: she asked him to step out of the circle and he stayed with his arms crossed, staring at her with a "what are you going to do?" expression on his face.

I recognized this stance and the beginning of his breakdown and craze in his eyes, so I intervened and instead of going on my prep, took him to the side. I sat with him on the bench and talked to him about calming down and that he would probably get to play once he had calmed down. As we sat, however, he got angrier and angrier and got to a place where he was so angry that he didn't know what to do with himself. He finally got up and went to join the class in their activity. I tried to coax him out and because he wasn't listening to me, I told him I would have to go to the office to get our counselor. When he saw me walking towards the stairs, he ran past me, yelling that he would get there first. I walked towards the office and he took another route.

When I got there, I told our VP that N was having another melt-down at which point he came racing through the door with his angry bull expression: breathing in and out heavily and clenching his teeth. He stomped towards me, grabbed my wrist and started pulling me down towards the floor. Now, I am quite a bit stronger than N and there is no way that he would actually pull me to the floor, but I was stunned at his behavior and I continued to repeat: "Let go of my arm," in a very calm and neutral tone. My VP intervened and got him to let go and nodded to me to leave the room. As I walked down the hall, I caught a glimpse of N behind me, stomping angrily towards me. He had gotten away from our VP and was now coming to... intimidate me? try to pull me down again? yell at me? Fortunately, my classroom para saw the whole scene developing and lured him aside to talk to him. She calmed him down and brought him back to the office.

Later, in my room, N came back, having again escaped from the office (clearly this is not an effective plan, but we haven't come up with anything else as of yet). He started running around the room and tried to lure R outside with him. Although running around in the halls is a pretty desirable activity, we teachers possess the ultimate trump card that tops any activity: the computer. I put R. on the computer with headphones on so that he was completely hypnotized by the toon-town music of a math game. This was an unusual time in the day when only two students were in the class. The rest of the class, who are 3rd graders, were in choir practice for the last hour of the day and the two students who were with us were working on math.

My classroom para eventually took the two students to help her with the recycling, to avoid giving N any more attention. I continued to organize my classroom for the coming week. Somehow, N. came upon his file folder, which we had laid out to document his behavior and had not yet put away. He began to read the comments that we had written and this ignited a new flame inside of him... or just gave him a new wind with which to fan the already raging fire. "Why are you writing about me?!! Stop writing about me!!!" I calmly walked over and took the file. He looked at me angrily and grabbed both my wrists, as he breathed in and out. I broke away from his grip and walked out of the room. He ran to block me, but I walked past him, knowing how dangerous of a situation I was in legally to be in a room alone with this volatile student. I walked to the office and he ran in from another way. As I let my VP know again what had happened, he grabbed something off of her desk and started ranting: "I'm taking this home with me. I don't care, I'm taking this home with me." I walked out and he tried to follow me. She caught him and he threw himself down and started scratching and hitting his face. "N, you're hurting yourself,because you're in trouble," I heard her say.

At the end of this episode, my heart was racing and I felt very stressed. I am tired of going through these crises every day and I'm tired of it interrupting my teaching on normal days. I am scared of him hurting other students and I am scared of being put in a legally jeopardous situation. What if he accuses me of doing something to him when he comes to my class when I am alone? I don't want to be in a position of having my word against his to defend my job and credential.

His foster mom has expressed that she feels that he is "taunting" her, trying to get her to hit him for things that he is doing. I feel the same way- he tries to escalate situations to the point where he is getting hurt (he ends up hitting or scratching himself), but I really think that he is hoping someone will hurt him. At times when I have tried to lead him away from a situation by lightly holding his wrist, he throws himself down and starts yelling: "Get off of me!!!" as if I had been severely beating him.

We are getting him more counseling, but I really question whether he will be able to function in our school, even with therapy once a week. In the meantime, it is unfair for all the other children in my class to suffer academically and emotionally (if I am stressed, I am sure that they feel it too). So I wrote all of the people in charge of me at my school and hope that we will come to a reasonable and workable solution for the near future. In the meantime, I have booked a ticket to Chicago for Thanksgiving.

ground hazelnuts

If smells could be sent via the internet, I would somehow find a way to upload the most heavenly scent I know: ground roasted hazelnuts. I am making a hazelnut cake for a brunch tomorrow (hooray for three day weekends!) and the recipe called for this type of "flour." Roasting the hazelnuts and removing the skins is pretty labor-intensive, but the amazing aroma when you grind them makes you temporarily forget anything else. It's as good as a much needed bite of chocolate, like getting a long massage, like biking in a hot summer evening... mmmmm, so good. I wish I could share it.

citrus sunburst

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

There are many things that before working in elementary, I never thought I would have to explicitly teach. Like for example that shirts are tucked into pants and NOT into underwear. As the big green lettering "TMNT"started at me for about the dozenth time today from R's underwear, protruding slightly due to the huge amount of fabric stuffed in there, I stopped myself from repeating this message for the bagillionth time: "Your shirt needs to go in here (as I tug at my own pants), not in your underwear, ok? Please go fix your shirt." I mean, so far it's been a battle for R to tuck in his shirt, as dictated by school policy, so I should be happy that he's tucking it in, right? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles staring me down from his backside are no biggie?

baby steps, baby steps.

R. had been on a steady trend upwards with behavior and work completion and then today came. I don't know why today was different than the last few days this week. I don't know what happened to him before coming to school, which probably has a big impact on his behavior. All I know is that when presented with his "do now" like every morning, R. crumpled up the paper, took out the other sheets from his desk and crumpled them and threw them at me, and as a grand finale knocked down his desk. It made such a loud noise that it startled the rest of the kids and I also definitely jumped. I took away his desk, telling him that if he didn't know how to use a desk, he would have one to which he replied, "fucking bitch." I looked at the clock- it was 8:10 am. Our support counselor came to get him back on track and the day continued roller coaster mountains of behavior, with the counselor intervening when necessary.

At the end of the day, however, a golden nugget of knowledge fell into our laps. It turns out that one of the parent volunteers on Wednesday is R's old foster mom... who he is for some reason deathly afraid of. The counselor came to inform R that he had spoken to this lovely woman and at the sound of her name, R went from being defiant to sobbing like a babe. We were all shocked at the immediate transition. "There is a God!" exclaimed our counselor, muffling laughs. It is a huge relief after having gone through every other adult in his life to finally find someone who may be able to help us with his behavior. I can't wait to test out this new secret weapon tomorrow.

Honestly though, the day was pretty rough. Not just because of R and his constant breakdowns and cussing, but mostly because of N. who is getting worse with each passing day. I asked for backup when he had a meltdown today and no one came. I felt completely powerless, with no tools to stop his hijacking of my classroom. I became so frustrated by his confrontational, purposely defiant attitude, and violent behavior that I started to cry in class. Right there, in front of all my kids. As I documented the behavior, big tears plopped down on the sheet. I felt stressed and frustrated. Finally, my para persuaded him to go to the office. He later ran away from the office and walked into my class, staring at me like an angry bull, fists clenched at his sides, with his teeth gritted. He came close to the table where I was working and started breathing heavily in and out in anger. I continued to teach and he walked over to the file cabinet and kicked it, then walked to a movable partition and kicked it as well. My administration doesn't know what to do with him, so they let him sit in the office. He runs away and wanders around the school. Our school does not have a clear behavior policy and there is never a consistent way that behavior is dealt with. Because they didn't know what to do with him, they eventually just sent him back to class, still fuming, which led to another breakdown.

I met with my content specialist today and she suggested several solutions: a consistent behavior plan and a crisis plan, for when he has violent melt-downs. This was a helpful discussion and I will try to put everything in place by tomorrow. I usually like to find humor in each day, otherwise it is hard to keep going.... today was hard though. I don't know if I have thick enough skin for this job.

Today was the kind of day that went so well (at school) that I thought maybe I should hold my breath in fear that by breathing I might alter any environmental conditions that made the classroom dynamic so stable. To be fair, two students were absent. N. is in the hospital for a mysterious reason that we were not able to uncover today and LW only comes to school 1 out of 2 days and this apparently was one of his days off (phonics is hard work!). The phase of the moon also seemed to be favorable, the stars were correctly aligned, and the vent wasn't pumping any extreme of either warm or cold air- which it is prone to doing.
Really though... today was great. R. was so easy to work with. All of a sudden, all of the obvious strategies that I've been using like positive praise, picking him as a helper, giving him visual rewards on the board (stars by his name), which hadn't been working, seemed like magical keys that I had misplaced. He was smiling, speaking in complete sentences, participating in class discussions....and he worked the WHOLE day!!! We have an extended school day at our school(2 hours more than other schools), so this is a pretty big deal. Usually R. starts throwing pencils within the first 10 minutes of class, but today things were working for him...and for me. What caused this fantastic transformation? I'm not sure. The one time during the day that R threw a tantrum was towards the end, and this was because he did not want to go home. Apparently, he has a pretty hard situation at home, but this was the first time that I saw a correlation between his acting out and his distaste for going home.

One odd thing that happened today was that T. drew a very sexual drawing in his reading journal. I've been reading the BFG (Big Friendly Giant), by Roald Dahl to my class. I usually read for 10-15 minutes and then my students write a summary of what I read in their reading journal. Well, T showed Mrs. R (our wonderful para) his drawing, stating,"This is the BFG. He has a big..." Mrs. R looked at his drawing and saw a well- endowed giant, center stage. T. started laughing and elaborated that what he had drawn was the "thing, you know... to go pipi." Well, by the time it got to me, the drawing had been censured. Mrs. R. had urged him to color over the big friendly phallus, which she told me later had been drawn in great detail, hairs and all. This drawing sent T. to the principal, who told him that the next time would mean a phone call home (something which apparently was effective).

Aside from this though, the day was easy. I couldn't believe my luck. Hopefully tomorrow will be the same.

Soldier Boy

This Halloween at school, I witnessed the phenomenon that is 'Crank Dat Soldier Boy" in action during our parade. The kids were circling around the perimeter of the school's yard, excited to be in their costumes and to have their parents watching them, when the "Soldier Boy" song came on. The reaction was like touching a spark to a gunpowder line: every single kid from kindergarten to 3rd grade started bouncing in unison and doing the choreographed dance from the video. I mean,every Spiderman, Mulan, Scream, witch, ninja, fairy, firefighter in the crowd was doing it. Even my little girl J. who is shy, knew the moves and looked so cute in her orange witch costumes, cranking her little fists and then spreading her arms back like superman. She was taking her cues from the twins who are both great dancers. It was AWESOME and made my day.
Check out the video of if you haven't seen it and picture tiny bodies in costumes doing the dance: http://youtube.com/watch?v=mMycfdNdlKA
awesome.