I am counting down the days until spring break. Lucky for me, there are just 4 more days and that these last few days are shorter, due to parent-teacher conferences. I now get to experience what most teachers consider just a regular school day- 7:30- 2:00 instead of 7:50-4:00 (yes, with children all those hours). Since I had no conferences scheduled for today, I skipped out a little early, went to the gym, shopped for groceries, marveled that it was still light outside... after I got home, I decided to go for a walk before dinner and walked to the top of Bernal Hill. It was lovely- except that from the top of the hill, you could get a clear view of the fire on Valencia in the Mission, which was really quite scary.

Anyhow, I am awaiting our break with anticipation, because I am clean out of patience and because it seems that a lot of the problems in my classroom that I thought were getting better have actually not been resolved. Mainly, I thought that I had made great progress with R, who I described in a previous post. Although for several weeks he had been getting it together and the strategies that I was using with him were working, he has taken a dramatic u-turn to square 1. It may as well be the very first week that he stepped into my classroom when I consider his recent behavior.

All in the last few days of school (last week and today), he has thrown countless pencils at everyone in the class, turned his shoe into a smelly projectile, told me to shut the f- up, called me an f-ing bitch, and threatened to "pull [his] dick out." This, coming from the mouth of a 7 year old is shocking, even knowing his prior history. And, what I realize now is that his behavior is completely dependent on what is happening at home and that the strategies that I believed to be helpful were probably working, because things at home were more stable those weeks. BUT I AM NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST. I am not a therapist. I try to talk to him, to get him to express what he is feeling and to say "I am angry" instead of calling me names and throwing things at me (even if what he is angry at is completely unrelated to the classroom).

BUT, after talking to him for 10 minutes, and still not getting a desirable effect, I look back at the rest of my class, which I have put on hold to try to work with him and come to the conclusion that it is not fair to the students who are still below grade level in spite of their gains this year. That, even though these students are in a special ed class, they deserve a challenging learning environment- and in an academic way, not because they have to duck flying pencils. And in a way, I am giving up on him. It feels terrible to say and I'm sure there's a special place in teacher hell for verbalizing something like that, but I am very truly running on the last crumb of patience in the jar, and I would rather try to bring the other 8 students up than have everyone suffer because of one child.

birthday

I actually had a kid tell me that he wasn't going to invite me to his birthday party today when he got mad at me. This morning he was feeling really pumped up about his work and his behavior and talked a mile a minute about how he loved my class and how he was going to invite me to his birthday party. "Uh huh, focus on your work," I replied again and again. Since this student's moods and behaviors move like a sine curve in extremes of ecstasy and excitement to anger and sadness, it wasn't surprising that 10 minutes later, his perky mood turned sour. One thing led to another and he was asked to take a time out at his desk for 5 minutes. As he sad down, he flew into a rage: "I HATE YOOUUUUU!!!" he cried.... and then finally the infamous phrase, as decisive as a death sentence: "I'M NOT INVITING YOU TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!"
...guess I'll have to find other things to occupy my social calendar.

the return

I found out today that one of my former students who was in my class in the fall and randomly stopped coming for a couple months will be back in my class. Although I'm not quite sure where he's been since Christmas break, I now have a better understanding of why he is in 3rd grade and still doesn't know his letter sounds- chronic absences. Hopefully he will have retained some of the things he learned in the fall... keeping my fingers crossed.

I am looking for a new job. The interactions that I've had with my administration and in the classroom this week have made me realize that I can't fight a battle on two fronts in my workplace for another year. Of course, I realize that I could be eating my words and continuing in this position with my tail between my legs next year, but as of now, I am actively looking for a new job. One other thing which makes me hesitant is that I'm waiting to hear back from the Fund For Teacher's Grant to travel this summer. A condition for getting the grant is that the participants stay in their current jobs/districts-- this is why the grants are available only for teachers who teach in certain high needs districts.

Here is the latest interaction with my administration which has had me seeing red. Back in October, a backpack of mine that had my passport and Green Card was stolen. Ever since then, I have been following the process to get new documents reissued. Needless to say that dealing with Immigration and the French Consulate has been a lengthy process. A month ago, finally, I received a letter in the mail with an appointment time to get fingerprinted for a replacement Green Card. Clearly printed on the letter was the message that if I missed this appointment, my case would be dropped- meaning that I would have to repay another $400 and wait several more months. This was like the voice of Oz speaking- you don't argue with the man behind the curtain, you just follow directions. Like a good employee, I followed school protocol and informed my principal that I would have to miss part of that day. She replied that I should just take a whole day off.

It just so happens, that the very day of my appointment is also the day that the Reading First higher ups are descending upon our school to examine our "instruction" with their platoon of 8 people armed with clipboards. Even though I mentioned this in my first email- that I would miss this important day, this seems to have completely slipped my principal's mind. She has talked to me on 4 separate occasions to get me to come to school anyways.

First she asked me to move my appointment with Immigration, which I told her could absolutely not be done. I mean, it's not like I made an appointment to get a pedicure or to go to the dentist. This is a bureaucracy that puts even the public school district's to shame. You can't just call and change your appointment, especially since you can't call and actually speak to a human being. Then she told me that she would rearrange the whole visit schedule so that the group would come see my classroom first and that I could leave immediately after. I told her that if I did that, I would have to leave by 9am (my appointment is at 10). She replied, "9:15." When I heard that, I knew that if I came to school, I would miss my appointment, so I decided to stick to my original plan and not come into work that day at all. When I told her this, she came to me several more times and tried to convince me that I only needed 20 minutes to make my appointment and kept pushing and pushing for me to agree to stay. When I stood my ground, she began to mention other things that I needed to "remember" to do, because now since I said 'no' to her I am apparently on her bad side.

All of her pressure and pushing made me all the more certain that I would take the day off. Her complete disregard for my needs made me realize that I am not valued at this school. And this is why, I am excitedly looking for a new job...

I saw this ad as I was driving home from class tonight and I was sure that I must not have read it correctly... so I looked it up and it turns out that I had seen correctly and am a little shocked at what the message behind the ad is. At first, it seems that the cup overflowing with fresh berries is promoting a healthy nutritional plan of fresh food and un-skipped meals. When you read the rest of the ad, however, the cure for headaches caused by food-deprivation isn't eating a nutritious meal, it's taking a Tylenol to cure the headache. Hmmmmm. I'm glad that Tylenol is doing its part to prevent eating disorders. What teen who isn't already on the verge of an eating disorder wouldn't see this as a big green light? Skipping a meal: pro- lose weight, con- big headache... wait a minute, I can just pop a Tylenol... sigh.